Monday, January 5, 2009

Diaper Fear

Men are a tough and fearless bunch. We take great pride in being unmovable rocks. Men will climb the highest mountain braving the elements, dodging bears and snakes just to get a shot at a big buck. Some even climb the highest mountain just to say they did. We refuse to ever cry or even care about the sob stories we see on TV or hear from our wives. We are unmovable. When I was a kid my dad raised ducks. He used to reach into the wood duck boxes without a care in the world. I saw him pullout a snake and a screech owl with his bare hand and he just went on to the next box. This is the kind of thing that we do. All men grow up wanting to be tough like their Dad or John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. We are taught that showing fear is not an option and will get you evicted from the man club. However, there is one thing that strikes fear into the heart of every man across the globe......The Dirty Diaper!

When our son was born I obviously had no experience with the dirty diaper. I am sure that some men get experience from younger family members but not me. Actually if you see a man that has experience with a dirty diaper before he has his own child be wary. I am sure there are circumstances that could lead to such a situation but it just seems abnormal. I completely avoided the dirty diaper for about a week. I tried not to change any diapers to make sure that I didn't get a surprise. If you have never had a child I am here to tell you that the first few weeks are a highly stressful situation. There are people around all the time. The baby needs something every minute and you have to deal with this all on no sleep. Needless to say avoiding diaper changes led to a slight altercation with my wife so I promised to join in.

I changed some wet diapers and thought that was easy enough. It will help you get used to putting a diaper on a wiggling, crying, uncooperative person. It also allows you to get comfortable with your involvement in the genital region. I have a boy so I am OK. I would imagine that with a little girl this can be even more unnerving at first. Now I am feeling more comfortable and one early morning when I am alone with the boy he drops one on me. The first one was pretty small. There was no major smearing of poo up the legs or all over the bottom. This is a good thing. From there I just went on changing diapers dealing with the dirty ones as they came.

Eventually you will get one that is full and smeared everywhere. While you are trying to clean all the poo off of his entire body you will invariably get some on your hand. It will not be a pleasant experience. This yellow substance smells awful. It is like some foreign matter that only exists in a babies diaper and you certainly don't want it on your hand. As terrible as it seems I think when it happens you turn a corner. I thought to myself that the worst has happened. My son has pooped on me and I am going to live. After that dirty diapers become a part of your world just like baseball or a cold beer.

I am aware that the older generation of tough guys does not do dirty diapers. I am also aware that some of you have wives that will let you avoid the dirty diaper as well. To you I say congratulations. For those of you that are approaching this for the first time I suggest you help with the dirty diapers unless you want to wake up one night to see your wife leaning over you with a meat cleaver and a psychotic smile. It is not too bad and it goes along way towards peace in the home. Personally I find it hilarious that I was ever scared at all because now I am exponentially more afraid of snakes, bears, and Whoopi Goldberg than I am a dirty diaper..

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