Dream Reviews

I am not reviewing dreams today, but dreaming of reviews. I have been granted the opportunity to review a product for CSN Stores. CSN has over 200 online stores selling nearly everything imaginable. You can get everything from an L Shaped Desk to 50,000 Btu Gas Forced Air Heaters to literally the kitchen sink. You can't even find variety like that at Wal Mart.

Part of the fun of this review was shopping through all the possible items for purchase. I hate shopping, but a little online shopping is tolerable, especially when the store has everything from power tools to kitchen gadgets. While shopping for all this stuff I couldn't help but think of some potential parenting dream items.  These items are not in stores, as far as I know, but they would be a welcome addition to any home with small children.

Here is my list of 10 dream items that would excite parents everywhere. Feel free to take these ideas and run with them product development people.

1. Sleep Ray Gun - I could use this baby during those 3 am play sessions that Braden loves to have. One shot of the Sleep Ray Gun and it's back to dream land for Braden and his loving parents.
2. Poop Vaporizer - I stole this from a movie. Bonus points for anyone who actually saw the movie. There can't be many of you.
3. Handy Helper - I stole this one too. It comes from a certain cartoon mouse. The Handy Helper is a giant hand that comes out of the wall and helps out around the house. I could always use another hand even if it's just to slap me back into consciousness.
4. How to be a Jedi Guide - This would work two ways. Jedi mind trick on a toddler that is prone to arguing. Picking up toys without leaving the couch.
5. Instant Chicken Nuggets - Sometimes that 10 minute prep time is our enemy.
6. No Preview DVDs - Much like the nugget prep time the previews on children's DVDs are a killer. And most of the time you can't skip them. Note to DVD people: This is one of my least favorite features of any product I have ever owned. Fix it!!!
7. Monkey Renewer - Braden's best friend in the world is his Monkey. This thing has literally been loved to death. Instant Monkey Renewal Spray could zap Monkey back to his original state thus eliminating the authentic monkey odor.
8. Infinite Toy Box - This would be a small toy box that opens up into a bottomless pit of storage. There is no limit to the amount of cars, trucks, balls, and Toy Story figures you can put in this thing.
9. 10 year batteries - Actually this should probably be number one and in all caps. Lets make a better battery people!!!
10. Parenting Pill - For those days when I'm just not feeling it. I could use a pill to get me back in Dad mode. They have pills for everything else so why not?

Star Wars Meets Camouflage

There are a great many benefits to being a baby.  Braden is not really a baby, but I am not sure what to call him. I am not much on the term Toddler. I just want to call him a little boy I guess.  We'll just say that there are quite a few benefits to being 17 months old.

There is the free butt wiping. The dressing. The bathing. The feeding. There are no jobs, bills, or responsibilities in general.  Being Braden's age is a free ticket to run around in your underwear acting wild only to be told how adorable you are.

While I was getting Braden ready for school this morning I noticed another benefit he has over me.  I was dressing him in a pair of dark camouflage shorts with a black Return of the Jedi T-Shirt featuring Yoda's big green head.  That is when I noticed that my son can quite easily pull off the wardrobe marriage of redneck and sci-fi geek. How awesome is that?

The feat is even more impressive to his Dad because my greatest redneck weakness is camo. I have a camo Cardinals hat, a Razorback shirt with some camo, and a lot of regular hunting camouflage shirts, coats, and pants.  I even have a camouflage tackle box and once owned a camo Razorback beer koozie that I have since lost.  It is really a wonder that anyone can keep up with a beer koozie anyway.

On top of that my biggest sci-fi love is Star Wars. I think I have mentioned here before that I don't go to conventions or dress like characters, but I do like the movies. Obviously the original three are the best, and Yoda is an all time great.

Unfortunately as a grown man with a somewhat professional career I am unable to pull off the blending of these two great things.  If I wore camo shorts with a Yoda shirt I would no doubt be labeled a stoner or at the very least a slacker.

Braden, however, can wear that exact outfit and be the cutest kid in the room.  I am jealous of that power over wardrobe choices that children have.  Braden could wear a cape or a giant fish hat. It wouldn't matter. He would look great. For that matter he could wear anything he wanted.

If I had the power to wear anything I wanted I think I would chose camo shorts and a Yoda shirt just like my little man.

Watching Star Wars with Dad or Not

I have tried recently to avoid wondering so much about my son's future and our future relationship. Previously I have wondered about Bass Fishing and Seinfeld. Lately I have been trying to live in the moment and enjoy every day with Braden. I have made the executive decision that enough time has passed, and I now can wonder about the future again. Today I am wondering about the ever important topic of Star Wars.

I grew up the son of a dad who had a mild case of sci-fi fever. He was not over the top with his devotion to the genre, but that was probably due to my domination of the TV choices. I know that he loved the Star Trek TV show once upon a time. I remember watching those movies with him as well. That was never really my thing, but one area that our interests coincided was George Lucas' wonderful world of Star Wars. I loved Luke Skywalker and Han Solo as a kid. I had every toy and action figure imaginable. Somewhere in my parents dark, cramped attic some of those toys no doubt still exist. They are probably worth nothing and could never be passed on to Braden. That is because my Star Wars toys show the wear and tear of a little boys love. I am pretty sure that I loved my toys nearly to death resulting in as many broken parts as good times.

As I grew older I continued to like Star Wars watching each movie seemingly hundreds of times. I loved them in a different way. I no longer played with the toys, though I will admit some intrigue remains when I pass them in Wal-Mart. Now it was more about the characters and story telling. The characters are all amazing. The spectrum ranges from the ultra evil to the unsurpassably wise. On one end there is the greatest villain of all time Darth Vader. On the other end is the often quoted always beloved Yoda. The imagination behind all the different locales is second to none as well. Whether you were speeding across the desserts of Tatooine or traipsing around on the forest moon of Endor, it was always exciting. I feel obligated at this point to note that my comments do not pertain to the three prequel versions. The final installment was pretty good but the first two were shameful. Star Wars will always mean the three episodes from my youth and there will be no further discussion on that topic.

Someday Braden will be old enough to check out Luke, Han, Leia and the gang. Hopefully before then Lucas stops milking his cash cow to the tune of cartoons, movies, and cartoon movies. Maybe we can draw the line at some point before the whole beauty of the series is lost. I hope Braden can watch the movies with me in the same order as I did. I will be devastated if some kid introduces him to Jar Jar Binks before he is ready. If that is Braden's first memory of Star Wars then all is lost. I hope he has the right mixture of sci-fi interest that will lead him to enjoy this all time favorite, but keep him away from the conventions. Since I was so tough on my toys I may need to start saving money now. I am sure a Millennium Falcon doesn't cost what it used to.

What is a Dad?

In order to fully understand this journey I am taking on "Life of a New Dad" we probably better understand exactly what is a dad. From my observation Dad's can take many shapes and sizes. There is the animated dad best represented by our yellow beer swilling friend Homer Simpson. There is also the TV dad represented by hundreds including my favorite Al Bundy. There are even science fiction dads, in tune with the force, like Darth Vader. Of course us real dads don't practice our parenting skills inside the TV. Even so, something must tie us all together. What makes us all Dad's whether real or imagined.

Does a dad have to watch the weather channel every morning or the news every night? Is he required to wear a tie every once in a while or should he wear work boots and a hard hat? Does a dad know everything or is he just full of hot air? Should a dad play sports or fix cars? Can a dad play video games or is he too serious for that? Can he be fashionable or does he have to be stuck in a fashion time warp?

Obviously we all know that none of those things can make you a dad. At the same time all of them are allowed. We must look further than our outer appearance or hobbies to define a dad. Webster's dictionary defines dad by saying see father. After turning the virtual page we can find that the same dictionary defines father as a man who has begotten a child. Webster may be the foremost authority on the meaning of English words, but this definition doesn't do it for me. There are many men out there who have begotten a child then left the child soon after. It takes a lot more than that to be a dad. I think to be a dad you have to love your child with all your heart and take an active part in their life every day. Think about it. Even Darth Vader loved his child enough to give his own life to save him from the forces of evil. This from probably the greatest villain of all time. How can a child expect anything less from us regular dads.