Tools of Fatherhood

During all this talk about twins and girls and getting ready for that ship to land, I am still practicing the art of fatherhood for one supremely awesome little boy. Braden is never outshone by the preparation and nail biting that accompany a twin pregnancy. In fact he probably couldn't be outshone by the sun if it took up residence in our living room.

This morning at 3:30 am he reminded us of our duties when he woke up crying. When I went to ask him what he wanted Braden replied, "I want sleep Daddy's bed." On a side note Braden thinks the couch is my bed. Not because I am frequently in the doghouse, but because that is where he gets to sleep with me on those particularly difficult nights.

This time I told him no to Daddy's bed. Then I rubbed his back until he went back to sleep. Thankfully that only took a few minutes. Because any more difficulties would have required me to call in the big guns. At our house we call her Mom.

Arica can get Braden to do most anything. She has her bluff in on him. She threatens and he moves. She can threaten time outs, naps, taking away toys, turning off the TV, and other things. Even when those threats are met with the utmost dissension, she eventually wins out. Of course it is not always threatening that works. Many times it is a simple explanation that gets Braden's approval. Other times it is redirecting his attention to something else. Arica is a master of all these techniques.

On the other hand I am a master of none. My threats carry the weight of a feather. Even when I carry them through I can't get the desired result. Braden has actually started to respond to me a little better. Sometimes he knows I mean business. But most of the time he either carries on like I'm not there or he digs in and argues ferociously. If you've never seen a 2 year old argue with a 33 year old then consider yourself lucky. It is not a pretty sight.

During these most difficult of times I do have one weapon. When Braden is being difficult for some reason Arica can go to her bag of tricks for reason, punishment, or distraction. I am not so lucky. In my tool box there is but one tool for sticky situations. When the going gets tough, you know what I do?

I tickle.

This is certainly not award winning parenting, but you do what you have to do. I can't succeed at any of the typically prescribed disciplinary methods, but man can I tickle a frown away. It's fun for now, but I better get some chops before Braden reaches high school. I can't see tickling as a proper method for handling any of those teenage problems.

Dream Reviews

I am not reviewing dreams today, but dreaming of reviews. I have been granted the opportunity to review a product for CSN Stores. CSN has over 200 online stores selling nearly everything imaginable. You can get everything from an L Shaped Desk to 50,000 Btu Gas Forced Air Heaters to literally the kitchen sink. You can't even find variety like that at Wal Mart.

Part of the fun of this review was shopping through all the possible items for purchase. I hate shopping, but a little online shopping is tolerable, especially when the store has everything from power tools to kitchen gadgets. While shopping for all this stuff I couldn't help but think of some potential parenting dream items.  These items are not in stores, as far as I know, but they would be a welcome addition to any home with small children.

Here is my list of 10 dream items that would excite parents everywhere. Feel free to take these ideas and run with them product development people.

1. Sleep Ray Gun - I could use this baby during those 3 am play sessions that Braden loves to have. One shot of the Sleep Ray Gun and it's back to dream land for Braden and his loving parents.
2. Poop Vaporizer - I stole this from a movie. Bonus points for anyone who actually saw the movie. There can't be many of you.
3. Handy Helper - I stole this one too. It comes from a certain cartoon mouse. The Handy Helper is a giant hand that comes out of the wall and helps out around the house. I could always use another hand even if it's just to slap me back into consciousness.
4. How to be a Jedi Guide - This would work two ways. Jedi mind trick on a toddler that is prone to arguing. Picking up toys without leaving the couch.
5. Instant Chicken Nuggets - Sometimes that 10 minute prep time is our enemy.
6. No Preview DVDs - Much like the nugget prep time the previews on children's DVDs are a killer. And most of the time you can't skip them. Note to DVD people: This is one of my least favorite features of any product I have ever owned. Fix it!!!
7. Monkey Renewer - Braden's best friend in the world is his Monkey. This thing has literally been loved to death. Instant Monkey Renewal Spray could zap Monkey back to his original state thus eliminating the authentic monkey odor.
8. Infinite Toy Box - This would be a small toy box that opens up into a bottomless pit of storage. There is no limit to the amount of cars, trucks, balls, and Toy Story figures you can put in this thing.
9. 10 year batteries - Actually this should probably be number one and in all caps. Lets make a better battery people!!!
10. Parenting Pill - For those days when I'm just not feeling it. I could use a pill to get me back in Dad mode. They have pills for everything else so why not?

Man vs Child

I absolutely love survival shows. I have seen every episode of Man vs. Wild, Survivor Man, and even the new Dual Survival. Long ago I was a boy scout and learned many of the typical survival skills from that experience. I think maybe I love the survival thing so much because it seems like the basest manly instinct, the ability to survive in the wild. I know I could do it for a couple days around here in my home environment, and I would love to try a very watered down version for a weekend some time. Survival in the cold, however, is not for me.

Watching all these shows sometimes makes me think about my life as a dad in terms of a survival situation. Sometimes it feels like being lost in the dessert with no way out anyway.

So I have questions. In a parenting survival situation what would be the most essential survival tools? What would be the best plan of action? What are the survival basics?

Well instead of pondering my life away I decided to put some ideas together. So here is the first revision of my Man vs Child survival guide.

1. The boy scout motto is "Be prepared." This is the best advice for any situation. The problem is that no one plans to be in a survival situation. It just happens. Bear Grylls always carries his trusty knife. Usually it includes a flint for starting fire as well, although sometimes he leaves that behind for the sake of TV. So what is the essential survival tool for a parent? What tool is equally as important at the mall and at the park? My answer is Diapers and Wipes. You don't want to be caught anywhere without a way to get rid of poop. Forget food and water. Go straight for the waste disposal tools.
2. Often times you find yourself in places that are less than baby friendly like a restaurant. Just as Les Stroud would scavenge his broken down dirt bike for wire, gasoline, and insulation, we parents must use what is available to us. The restaurant menu can work as a book in a really tight spot. Straws can serve as swords. Sugar packets can work as building blocks or footballs. Use people in the neighboring booth for a peek a boo game. Pull out an ink pen and let the kid draw on something if you must. Remember THIS IS SURVIVAL! Use anything you can.
3. Now that we have covered poop and entertainment, lets look at food and drink. In a typical survival situation the priorities are water, food, and shelter. But for children in an unfamiliar environment clean butts and entertainment often come first. Because if they aren't happy then all hell breaks loose. And once that happens all is lost. If you have a newborn then you always have food with you. We have a toddler. We don't carry around stuff for him anymore. Sometimes you have to tide the kid over until you find the next food source (read McDonald's). Crackers are complimentary and yummy. You can find free cookie samples at the bakery. In a survival situation you just have to know where to look. If you happen to be in a grocery store I strongly advise opening a box of food for the kid. Don't feed your child fresh fruit from the store though. That's just stealing.
4. Finally we come to shelter. Always be prepared for the possibility of a nap. If the kid starts falling asleep be ready to drop all your gear and make camp for the night. You can sit down on any available furniture. The mall sofas are nice. They can work as a temporary shelter while your survival partner, if you have one, continues the search for food or clothing. There is also the possibility that in a napping situation you will have to get out the emergency flares and signal for help. I've been in spots where setting the store on fire seemed like my best option. When you find yourself in that kind of predicament you need to get back to base camp where it's more cozy. On those days just be thankful you knew how to survive so you could live to play another day.

These are just the basics. The key is adaptability. Every situation is different, and every child is different. Just remember to be prepared, use the things around you, and keep your cool. Never lose your head in a survival situation. That can only lead to disaster.

Whether you get out unscathed or not depends totally on your parenting survival skills. I suggest you have your own little survival guide tailored to your natural environment. Like I said before, being prepared is your best weapon. Because once you are at a school play with no toys, no food, and no escape plan, it's too late.

The Unforgiven

I am a huge Clint Eastwood fan. I think he is one of the coolest, toughest leading men of all time. So when I was flipping channels on Sunday as the rest of my family napped I had to watch a little of the Unforgiven. It is probably my favorite western of all time. I was flipping back and forth between that and football, and Braden eventually woke up so I didn't get to see much of the movie. Even though TV time was cut short I thought of my favorite line in the movie and was inspired to write today's post.

In the closing gunfight one of the bad guys played by Gene Hackman says, "...You just shot an unarmed man!"

My hero Mr. Eastwood replies, "Well he should have armed himself..."

That is one of my favorite movie lines, but Sunday it didn't remind me of manly tough guy things. It made me think of my tiny unborn twins. It made me think about their arrival this summer. They will arrive with guns blazing.

Dirty diaper! Pow!

Hungry! Bang!

Wet Diaper! Boom!

I SAID HUNGRY! Bang!

They will be packing a double barrel shotgun full of ammo for me. And they won't care if I'm armed or not. You see in this analogy the twins are Clint Eastwood, and it is up to me to arm myself.

I can either be the unarmed man that goes down in a blaze of pooping, crying, sleepless glory. Or I can do my best to be prepared. I can arm myself with knowledge, patience, understanding, self control, and of course love.

How in the world can I prepare for the birth of twins? I don't really know that exactly. I figure it is like the birth of your first child all over again. Everything is new. Everything must be learned by first hand experience. After all no one in my family has twins. They can't give me advice.

I think the best way to arm myself is through daily prayer and self reflection. I have about six more months to figure out what improvements I need to make. Although much of my life I just barrelled ahead like everything I did was right, I have developed a strong belief in self reflection. Being married to a smart and caring woman has helped me tremendously in this area.

Everyone should regularly take the time to look at their life, how they behave, and how they react to others. By doing this I can easily see that I need to work on my patience. I need to continue my effort to be more selfless. I need to keep working on the idea that I am now, above all things, a husband and father.

I think arming myself with the knowledge that my sole purpose in life will be to care for my wife and three kids is the best thing I can do. Taking the time to wean myself off other pursuits that are really a waste of time is part of that. I have to learn to be more mindful of my time. I'll pray about it, and I'll work on it every day.

In the end I'm just thankful that, unlike the bad guys on the Unforgiven, I've been given enough warning of the gunfight to come that I have time to properly arm myself.

Time

Time is eternal. Yet for each of us our time on earth is only temporary. The amount of time we have is finite, and even worse yet is the fact that we don't know when the end will come.

So why do I continue to worry about how much time I can spend deer hunting this year? Why do I worry about how to finagle the weekend schedule so I can watch the game? Why am I so concerned about getting to work when I have a sick kid at home?

Sure I need to work. It pays the bills. I even need to go deer hunting. It helps keep me refreshed and sane.

Still, why can't I spend just as much time worrying about how to make the weekend special for my son? Why can't I spend more time planning weekend activities for our family?

I think it comes down to the sinful desire to be in control of everything and the need to get what I want in life. Sometimes it's like being the driver of a bus that just went over a cliff. I can beat my chest and say look at me I am driving this bus. I am in control. But the reality is that I have lost control and the bus is going to crash. Often times the struggle for control ends up just like that. One party wrestles control from the other only to get a bird's eye view of the disaster they caused.

It would be much more enjoyable to be a passenger on a safe and happy bus than to be the driver of that bus headed for doom. Based on that poor analogy one can infer that I think the solution is to give up control. That is certainly easier said than done, but giving of myself is the best thing I can do as a Dad and husband.

I think I will always struggle with selfishness. I hope I can make steady improvements though. There is no time guaranteed to any of us, so there is no room for procrastination. I have to go out today and make the most of the time I have.

I plan to start by giving both my wife and son a big hug when I get home. Time is my greatest luxury. Giving it all to them would be my greatest gift.

Bribery for Children

If you haven't raised a two year old in a while then you don't know what you are missing. It is all at once filled with fun and challenges. Life with Braden requires love, patience, wisdom, and many other traits. In fact caring for him requires an entire toolbox full of tools and techniques.

When raising a toddler there is no magic grouping of tools to solve all your problems. You can't fix everything with WD-40, duct tape, and vice grips like Walt Kowalski claims in Gran Torino. For Braden you need the entire Craftsman section of Sears.

One of my favorite tools is motivation. The proper motivation can turn any wild child into a perfect little angel. To many of us proper motivation as a child might have included the phrase "don't make me take off my belt!" Maybe your family had their own special version like "Don't make me hang you from the ceiling fan by your toes!"

Fear is always a good motivator, but what we initially found is that a more positive approach works better for Braden. You know the old you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar theory.

Arica is the absolute master of this technique. For some time we couldn't get Braden to eat anything. He would fight you to the death over a meal. He would even fight to get out of eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The only way to get him to eat was to offer him something of value. If you offered him a gummy for eating his meal then he would start chowing down. Proper Motivation.

We used gummies, cookies, stickers and other things to motivate the little man to eat. It was a breakthrough parenting moment for me. In my mind the official permission, even encouragement, to bribe my kid made so many goals seem a lot more achievable. All of a sudden parenting made a lot more sense.

Well as with anything in parenting as soon as you figure something out things change. Now Braden eats most of the time without any promise of reward, but there are still other areas where proper motivation is required. He might need motivation to quit running around the house so we can change his diaper. He might need motivation to pick up his toys or take his medicine. Motivation is necessary for kids of all ages and Braden is no different.

Unfortunately as his little rebellious streak grows and grows the sweet promise of candy is not always as enticing. It works sometimes, but it has to be balanced with the proper amount of discipline as well. Otherwise you just end up with a fit throwing kid with a mouth full of cavities.

So as times change so do our methods. The threat of a time out really does wonders for a kids behavior. I'll say it again. Proper Motivation.

You Haven't Lived

...until you have thrown your son so high in the air that you lost him in the sun.

...until you have watched your kid fill his bath tub buckets with cold water and then dump them on his head.

...until you have rolled 50 cars across the room on the hardwood floor one after another just for fun.

...until you have been vomited on by a newborn enough times that you don't even flinch anymore.

...until you can decipher your child's mood by the color of his poop.

...until you have eaten cereal you found on the floor because you didn't feel like walking to the trash can.

...until your body has been used as a toilet, a tissue, a napkin, and a jungle gym.

...until your kid commandeers your dinner plate and then scolds you for eating "his" food.

...until you develop a strong desire to hear a small human recite animal sounds.

...until you have eaten leftover dishes made by Gerber.

...until you have watched cartoons at 4 am.

...until you realize that all the stuff listed above is really the "good stuff" in life.

The Truth Shall Set You Free

The Bible says in John Chapter 8, "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

This comment made by Jesus refers to the monumental truths of his teachings that are the basis of all Christianity, but doesn't any truth no matter how great or small allow you to be free.

In being truthful you are free from worrying about being caught, free from covering up lie after lie, free from telling the wrong lie or forgetting the lie you already told. Yet so many people prefer to lie or cover up things rather than tell the truth.

The virtue of honesty has been on my mind a lot lately because of some things that have happened at Arica's work. Rules were broken. Serious rules. The powers that be tried to cover up the mistakes, keeping them from parents. When the truth got out, and it always does, workers quit, parents pulled their children, and all manner of hell broke loose.

In the end people were more upset about the cover up than the actual wrong doing. Being dishonest about the situation made the proverbial mountain out of a little mole hill. It seems some people will never understand that being honest and up front with others is the only way to live.

Not too long ago a Pastor remarked during a conversation we were having that, "When you live in the truth there is nowhere else to go."

After dissecting the comment for a moment I realized it was truly genius. If you live in the truth you don't have to hide. You don't have to change courses or stories to keep the peace. You don't have to think about what you said or will say next. In the light of the truth their are no dark shadows where things can hide. You don't have to worry about anything like that. You only have to live in the truth. It's a simple fool proof plan.

It's been a long time since I went off on one of my philosophical rants about how a certain trait or virtue is important for me to instill in Braden. It's way over due. Every day as I evaluate the failures in my life I think about how to keep Braden from following in my foot steps. Certainly that begins by changing my habits so that he has a good role model to follow.

In this instance it was actually the misdeeds of others that made me think. Even if it's another person's nightmare there is no reason I can't use it as a reminder for how to raise my son. I know Arica values honesty above almost anything as well. So between the two of us I am certain that we'll bring Braden up to know that when he walks in the truth everything else will take care of itself.

Here's Water In Your Eye

There is a fairly large online community, many of them my friends, of stay at home dads (SAHD). A lot of the growing presence of this Dad blogging stuff is fueled by those same SAHD's. I often read about the problems they have in what is typically a female dominated occupation. As bloggers they are also introduced to all sorts of offers and advertisers that address them as moms based on assumptions alone. I know from following these guys how frustrating this can be.

Even with the growing number of SAHD's I still think that there are many things that moms do as parents much better than us dads. If you disagree then by all means call me an idiot. It won't be the first time.

In my experience moms are simply more nurturing and gentle people. They are more understanding and compassionate. I, being a dad, am in no way gentle. I am not nurturing. I am rough and practical. I am more prone to analysis of the problem than offering my condolences.

I am OK with this. I think it clearly shows why it is best to have two parents raise a child. The kid then gets the benefits of each type of personality. Braden has his sweet loving mom to care for his every need, and he has his dad to teach him how to kill animals and fix the sink.

Over the past year bathing Braden has been one of my primary duties. For the first 6 months of his life I don't think I ever gave Braden a bath. It was a delicate process and I feared it immensely. Eventually Arica helped me overcome that fear and become a baby washer.

I watched Arica so many time gently wash the shampoo out of Braden's hair careful to avoid getting any water or shampoo in his eyes. I watched her do it again recently and she hasn't lost her touch. She is soft and gentle and ever so caring.

When I am at the controls the description is more fast and shaky. I have never been able to keep the water out of Braden's eyes. I have tried and tried for Braden's sake. Eventually I just started going for the quickest solution. My reasoning was that Braden was going to get water in his eyes no matter what so the quicker I finished the better.

This method has worked out pretty well in my opinion. As you can see below my careless non-nurturing method of hair rinsing has helped develop a fearless little bath tub warrior.

The Invisible Disciplinarian

I really had no idea what I was getting into nearly two years ago when Braden was born. I had no idea how to feed a baby. I had never changed a diaper. I didn't have the first idea how to get a baby to sleep through the night. It was all foreign ground to me. My "Life as a New Dad" would be a trial by fire, and I think this blog has always shown that to be true.

Lately I have been especially overwhelmed by love and amazement for our little man Braden. The teachers at his school/daycare are always singing his praises. He is the only kid in his class that feeds himself. He is actually helping teach the other kids to be more vocal because of how well he speaks and verbalizes his wants and needs.

He is the absolute light of our world. Even a moment away from him seems so much more dull and dreary.  Watching his growth has been amazing. Watching his mind decipher so many things is a wonder, but even amidst this amazing journey of love and rainbows I have developed a problem.

Braden doesn't listen to me at all.

I always thought my kids would listen to everything I said. My word would be like some sort of law from on high. No one would question my authority. I would have the final say. I guess I envisioned myself as some sort of disciplinarian.

I have never been more incorrect about anything in my life.

Braden and I are the best of friends. We play from the moment I get home until bedtime every day. We play with his ever growing collection of cars and "Cars". We have Doc, Sally, Mater, Mack, Lightning McQueen, and Sheriff. We play baseball. We play basketball. We chase each other around the house tickling, wrestling, and acting just plain silly.

When it comes time for discipline, however, I might as well be a stranger at the mall. Braden will look at me for a second and then continue on doing exactly what I forbid. It happens pretty much every time.

When Arica speaks, Braden listens. She uses the timeout technique to perfection to keep Braden in line. He rarely disobeys her.

So here I am the parent that is taken lightly. I never would have guessed that. I know I have to start being more consistent with timeouts. I have also learned from Arica that I need to work on my tone of voice and my general attitude towards disciplining Braden. My methods aren't conducive to teaching and mostly just challenge Braden and irritate him.

To say that my son is independent and a little stubborn is like saying The Empire State Building is tall. The way I approach him often stirs his need to resist and maintain his independence. In order to fix this problem I have to change my methods. I must work much harder to find ways to get through to Braden.

This has been bothering me a lot lately. Thank the good Lord I have Arica to help me figure this all out. Otherwise I would be fighting tooth and nail with Braden for another 16 years.

Well, I'm sure we'll still fight our fair share, but at least with Arica's help I might win a few here and there.

Running with Scissors

I am thinking about the scope of my blog today. What kind of blog is this? A friend of mine told me recently that he considered it sort of a road map of what he could expect when he became a father. Of course we look at life through very similar eyes so maybe he can actually get something from all this mess.

In reality I don't think I have ever offered a word of advice in this space. I have told a lot of stories. In fact I think that is really my writing style. I tell a story mixed with a few examples and references to things that I find important in life like Seinfeld, Pearl Jam, and baseball.

I have also told some jokes and made some fairly obvious observations. One of my favorite things to do is philosophize on different topics relating to parenting. In these cases I have told about my philosophies on what is important to me in raising my son. Of course all of this is just wishful thinking. In fact I write a lot of this stuff as a target for my own parenting efforts. I rarely hit the bulls eye but it is nice to have something to aim at.

Still I have offered no advice. Maybe some day I will drop some profound wisdom on you readers, but today I can only offer this:

While keeping your children from dangerous activities like running with scissors is very important to their physical health, it is also important for us as parents to ensure the mental health of our offspring by not being too overbearing in our desire to keep them from harm.

After all you don't want to raise a child that ends up like this, do you?

Digital Memories

In this digital age all new families have an enormous collection of pictures of their children. Ours already number in the thousands. It is even feasible to have a picture of every day of a child's life. We will never forget our children's faces and how they changed over the years. Neither will we forget any of the important moments in their lives because they will all be recorded and stored on hard drives, CDs, and DVDs.

But what about all those other moments? Will we still remember to cherish every little moment whether we have camera in hand or not?  Can our minds, now trained to look through picture after picture for our favorite experiences, still contain memories of their own?  Will we throw aside the crutch from time to time to view things through our minds eye?

I was thinking about this a few days ago when I was giving Braden a bath. Actually the bathing was done, and we were playing. Braden has a big box of those foam letters and numbers that stick to the tub and the tile. We use them to learn letters and sounds. Sometimes we stick them on Braden. This night we were throwing them at the tiled shower wall trying to get them to stick.

Braden was humming them about 60 mph and I was collecting a few of his rebounds as they came screaming by my ears. I was using a letter throwing technique that I learned from Arica the night before when we did the same thing. I was spinning the letters as I tossed them, trying to balance the strength of my throw. The toss has to be hard enough to make the letters stick, but soft enough so they don't bounce off.

While doing this I wondered if I would ever tell Braden about the times we spent throwing our ABC's at the bathroom wall. I wondered if I would ever tell him about the three weeks we spent feeding turkeys and raccoons for our Japanese neighbor. Will I share with him how many minutes we stood at the storm door just to look at "Daddy Tuck" parked in the road. Which of these seemingly innocent things will become memories of my own.

You never know which memories are destined to become lasting. You never know when you are living in a moment that will transcend time. Some moments actually become part of who you are forever. These moments aren't always on vacation or at birthday parties. They don't all occur at Christmas or Easter.  You never know when they will come so you don't always have your camera ready.

I think the key is to slow down and enjoy every moment. I hope I can learn to better live in the moment and enjoy exactly what I am doing with Braden and Arica. My impatience is certain to cost me many special times if left unchecked. I plan to keep working on that because I don't want to miss any opportunity to form lasting memories. As long as my mind stays sharp I plan to remember some of these little things to share as stories in the future.

And in case my memory goes I sure am glad that I have this blog.

Free As I'll Ever Be

After years away I have fully rejoined the country music fan base. I have seen a couple concerts and I am an avid listener to country music radio once again like I was as a child. During this time I have become a big fan of the Zac Brown Band.  One of their new songs is called "Free" and these lyrics got me thinking about freedom recently.

So we live in our old van, travel all across this land, me and you...Just as free, free as we'll ever be. - Zac Brown Band

That verse rings true because there is something about being on the open road that is freeing. When I was in college I worked a few summers at a U-Haul center. Sometimes I would have to travel to another town to pick up a truck that we needed and drive it back to our center. I remember how free it felt to drive those big lumbering 26 foot moving vans. It was as close as I will get to being a truck driver. I always had the windows down no matter what the temperature. Between my legs was a sugar and caffeine filled bottle of Mt. Dew. In my left hand was always a slowly smoldering cigarette. As I drove a few hours along the highways of NE Arkansas with absolutely nothing on my mind I felt free.

Later after I graduated college I used my freedom in other ways. At that time I felt free to go out to a local bar and grill 4 or 5 times a week for supper. I always took the same chair at the bar. The bartender would give me the remote control, and I would put it on whatever sporting event I wanted to watch. Every night in the summer it was Cardinals baseball. Then I would order my food without benefit of a menu, as the bartender automatically poured me a cold draft beer. Sitting atop my perch bellied up to the bar I felt free.

Eventually the bar was replaced by other hobbies. Just months before I met Arica I bought a fishing boat. Since then my favorite hobby has been bass fishing. I love to get up before sunrise on those chilly April and May mornings to head to the lake. I make my 20 minute drive out to beautiful lake Ouachita where there is no shoreline construction. Out on the lake it is just me and my boat surrounded by mountains and forests. In the middle of the lake as the sun comes up over the pine covered peaks I feel free.

While it is true that having a kid has cut into fishing time and cut out time at the bar I still feel free. You see as a Dad you are allowed another type of freedom. A type that couldn't be matched by scaling Mt. Everest, fishing in the pre-oil spill gulf, or anything else in the world.

When I come home from work and Braden runs across the room to greet me with a DADDY!! I feel free.

Free from sadness.
Free from worry.
Free from pain.
Free from stress.
Free from any problem this world can throw at at me.

The love of my son makes me feel, to borrow from Mr. Brown, "Free as I'll ever be."

I Am Never Wrong

My mother once gave me a shirt that said "You can either agree with me or be wrong." I thought it was funny because I was rather proud of that aspect of my personality. Arica didn't think it was funny because living with someone like that is a pain.

It turns out Arica was right. That type of attitude isn't funny.

Since I became a father I have spent a good amount of time evaluating myself. I have taken time to look more closely at my strengths and weaknesses.  I have never been one to admit my weakness or vulnerability before, but now it is not just about me. If I am not careful all my bad habits will become Braden's. I need to change my bad habits and set a good example. This is important because I want Braden to be a better man than me.

Upon reflection it's very clear that I have always thought I was right in every situation. I would argue and correct people. I wouldn't accept that someone else might be right. It never entered my mind. I am often still like this, but I am trying to change. The problem with figuring this out (with loving help from Arica) after having Braden is that change has to come quickly. If I am unable to change my actions Braden will surely mimic them regardless of what I tell him. Actions speak louder than words.

I am trying to change because I don't want Braden to always think he is right. I do want him to have confidence in his decisions and in his knowledge. I don't want him to second guess himself. I just want him to listen to others and be open minded without arguing every single point with everyone. This behavior is not only annoying, but it causes other problems as well.

The first problem with feeling you always have to be right is that it limits creativity. I have a black and white view of the world. This leads me to thought patterns of right or wrong with no in between. If someone is doing something different than me then it must be wrong.

That is a terribly limiting way to see the world. There is obviously more than one way to skin a cat. The truly successful people in the world are always looking for new ways to do things. They listen to every idea and determine if it is good or bad based solely on its merit not on its relationship to previous ideas. I want Braden to be confident of himself and his work, but not to the point of arrogance. Arrogance leads to close mindedness, and we all know that is a bad thing.

The other major problem that results from an obsession with being right is the development of a fear of being wrong. This often manifests as a fear of failure.  I often found this problem with myself. At times in my life I was afraid to speak out or to try something new because I couldn't stand to look stupid. I couldn't bear it if I was wrong or worse terribly wrong and inadequate. A fear of failure not only limits success, but it also limits how much fun you can have in your life.

So I am working on my way of thinking. I hope I am able to show Braden how to consider all people's viewpoints and ways of doing things. I hope I can help him become open minded. It is my dream that he becomes a man with no fear of failure, like that man Teddy Roosevelt once spoke about in this famous quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Father's Day Wish List

Sunday is Father's Day. This means that philandering nogoodnik Tiger Woods will be playing the US Open Golf Championship and I will be eating my weight in fatty southern delights.

It also means it is time to celebrate Dad's. That is a big time for us Dad bloggers. I guess it is our moment in the sun.

Dad's influence their children in so many ways. They teach us the lessons of life, right from wrong, and why you should never pee into the wind. My Dad certainly taught me a lot of important things, but he did more than that. He also shaped my interests. He helped me grow to love baseball by coaching me for many years. He influenced me to love animals because he raised more critters than the St. Louis Zoo. Those shared interests carry on to this Day.

This year on Father's Day I thought I would make a list of things that I hope I can influence Braden to enjoy or participate in. Of course I want him to be a Hog fan, a Cardinal fan, a hunter, and a fisherman. Those are all the big building blocks of who he will become. Today I would rather talk about some little things. After all you need the little things to be the cement that holds those big blocks together. One could never truly build a personality or true character without the cement. 

Without further ado here is my wish list of things I hope Braden will pick up from his old man.

1. Dislike of anything related to the Texas Longhorns
2. The love of French Onion dip
3. The ability to recite The Streak by Ray Stephens
4. How to properly eat Buffalo Wings
5. The proper way to accuse a video game of cheating
6. Love of War movies and Clint Eastwood
7. The appreciation for a well dressed hot dog like a Chicago Style Dog
8. When to properly quote Caddyshack
9. How to tie a square knot with his teeth
10. The desire for grilling perfection

Happy Father's Day to my Dad and all the other Great Dads out there.

Worrying About the Future

I worry too much.

I don't really worry about my job or the economy or climate change or any other major issues. Instead I worry about idiotic things like how will I find time to do the yard work?  Do I have time to get my oil changed before I go to the grocery store? What are we going to do about the paint on Arica's car?

Because of this worrying I am simply unable to relax. I am a ball of nerves all the time. Arica can tell you with great detail about my fidgety annoying ways. Merely sitting on the couch with me can make a person sea sick.

I think it might be more anxiety than anything. Unfinished projects cause me the most problems. For this reason I could never build a house. I would be a nervous wreck the entire time. For the next 18 years the biggest unfinished project in my life is raising Braden.  With this project I am already worrying about how everything I do will affect the way Braden turns out.

I worry that if I give in to him too often he will become a brat.

I worry that he throws too many fits.

I worry that if I am not firm enough he won't learn to mind.

I worry that he won't be polite.

I worry he will be "that" kid in Wal Mart.

I think a healthy amount of worry is necessary in parenting. No one should parent in a willy nilly style without a care in the world. After all we are raising little people here.

The problem with my worrying is that it regularly keeps me from enjoying my time with Braden.  Rather than just living in the moment I am already 10 years down the road wondering how our current activity will affect his ability to behave in school.  Each task becomes a step in this long drawn out path to raising a good child. Nothing can be done without considering the consequences.

The result of this type of parenting is that I am about as much fun as a root canal. Braden would surely love it if sometimes I just said OK let's eat some chocolate and play in the cabinets without worrying if he is getting his way too easily.

I clearly need to be more flexible.  I need to make sure I enjoy every moment I have with Braden.  When he is throwing a fit I should react accordingly in that moment without worrying about how I might be screwing up his life.  Raising a kid is hard enough without trying to live up to all these preconceived notions I have about perfect parenting.

I hope that in the future I can deal with each situation as it arises. I hope I can stop worrying until there is something to really worry about.

One thing about all this is for sure. If I keep on worrying about every little thing in Braden's life there is no need to wonder how he will turn out. Braden will turn out high strung.

Starting today I am I hope I can make my decisions with Braden based on Love not Fear.

18 Months, What Have We Learned?

Today marks 18 months since that incredible day when Braden was born.  For the past 18 months I have been at various stages of confused, overwhelmed, overjoyed, proud, tired, and frustrated. Despite the steep learning curve the Life of a New Dad has been a lot of fun. I can't believe so much time has passed already.

I won't be saying Happy 18 month birthday to Braden because that makes no sense. A birthday is just that, the day of birth. I will say thanks Braden for the greatest year and a half of my life.  You are an amazing little boy and are certainly a much more wonderful gift than I ever deserved.

Although this idea is not completely original, even in this space, I thought it would be fun to note some of the things I have learned over the past 18 months.

1. Immobile babies should be enjoyed thoroughly for their immobility.
2. You can do a surprising amount of things, including complex engineering, on little to no sleep.
3. I need a lot more patience. Even after 18 months I still struggle with that most days.
4. If we could harness toddler energy we could power the entire planet.
5. Trying to follow a TV show while keeping up with Braden is about like reading a book while someone beats you over the head with a mallet.
6. Declaring "Bath Time!" is the equivalent of a parenting time out that can save you from some tough spots.
7. I am willing to sit through any amount of insanely annoying children's TV shows if they just make Braden stop crying.
8. Clip! Clop! Riding on a Pony!....Sorry. Too much Barney yesterday. That just proves my point.
9. You cannot fit all of your old hobbies and habits into 1/3 of the time. After having kids cuts will have to be made. I am still working on this one too.
10. Becoming a first time parent is like taking your prior life and inserting it into a roller coaster ride. It is difficult at times to keep your balance and staying on track often challenges the very laws of physics, but it sure is a thrilling ride. There's a lot better chance that you'll get puked on too.

Hazards of the Job

Two weeks ago Arica and I went to a Tim McGraw concert. Before last year I hadn't been to a country music concert since I was about 6 or 7 years old. Now in the last 6 months I have been to two. They have both been fun. Live music is always fun, especially when you can sing along.

Lady Antebellum was also there. Arica wanted to go see them. I was OK to sing along with my look alike Mr. McGraw. A lot of people have told me I look like him. It's not my opinion but others.

While we were there something happened that embarrassed me but first a little background info.

When I was in high school I was a dork. I don't know exactly why, but I just was. I was different than the other rednecks. I was awkward socially, and it didn't help that I was the valedictorian.

When I went to college I met some guys and learned how to be "cool".  From that point on it was important to me that I be cool. I wanted to say the right things and give off the right image. Everything had to be manly. Words like beautiful and cute were not part of my vocabulary. Image was important.

Of course I have grown out of that to some extent. It is still important to be manly, but I have admitted that I am to some degree a pretty boy so there is some growth in that area. Now on with my story.

When you attend a concert at this particular arena you have to wear an armband if you want to drink a beer.  I am sure most of you have worn these armbands before. They stay attached by sticking to themselves.

If an inexperienced armband person puts yours on they can cause plenty of damage. If the sticky part is not completely covered then the exposed area will stick to your arm. If you are a person with hairy arms then the armband will pull on your arm hairs all night.

So here I was sitting among 20,000 screaming rednecks at the concert. Many of them hadn't showered. Most of them were wearing their boots and hats. Quite a few of them had been dipping in the sauce. All of them were good ole boys and girls. During a quiet time between performers my arm hair got caught in the armband. This is where it gets ugly.

In my typically loud voice I said, "owie."

Arica looked at me and asked if I knew what I had just said. I was trying to get my bearings. Did I, the man who chooses words based on coolness, just say that. It couldn't be.

I looked at the man next to Arica and he was just staring at me. He was looking me up and down. I think he was thinking about punching me in the face and taking my wallet. After all what could a man that says "owie" do about it.  All I could do was grin and bear it.

For any other new dads out there that think you can remain cool after having a child beware. After an extended period of being exposed to baby talk, stuffed animals, and Barney any man is susceptible. There is only so much Barney a man can take before the manly center of his brain is turned to mush.

Sure being defecated on is a big hazard of fatherhood, but I say losing your manhood in an arena full of country bumpkins is much much worse.

Opening Day 2010

I had nothing prepared today to post on Baseball's Opening Day.  As one of the literally dozens of baseball fans under the age of fifty I should be ashamed of myself. I am not supporting the sport that I love in a proper way.  I have plenty of Easter footage and other thoughts rambling around upstairs, but today must be reserved for baseball.

Right now as I type this the Cardinals are playing the Reds. I am recording the game with my trusty DVR so I can watch it tonight. I will have hot dogs and perhaps a few cold ones to celebrate Opening Day.

Lately I've tried out baseball a few times on Braden. I posted about his first viewing when he got a bat and watched with me while whacking away at the furniture.

The last time Braden watched part of a game he got excited because the players were wearing hats. He kept saying ha, ha, ha until I got him a hat to wear. Then he sat on my lap and watched a few innings.

I am looking forward to a special summer with Braden in many ways. We will go to the lake. We will swim and maybe even try to fish. We will play outside at the park. Braden will even get to watch Mommy and Daddy play softball this year.

Not the least of our summertime fun will be watching the Cardinals. I know he won't watch a lot, but surely we can exchange a few high fives over a home run or clutch strike out.  He already clapped with me last week while we were watching a spring training game.

Few things have the power to bring fathers and sons together like baseball. It was something special I shared with my Dad, and I hope it will be the same for me and Braden.  Our 2010 journey begins today.

By the way, I watched the first inning of the Cardinals game at lunch because I just couldn't' wait until tonight.  Albert Pujols hit a home run in his first at bat of the year. I think I heard Braden cheering all the way from his classroom.

Dad's In the Limelight Series

In one of life's strange coincidences I am featured on another site today as well. I signed up for both opportunities around the same time, and as it turned out both posts appeared within a couple days. If you haven't been by yet click here to see my post at New Parent.

Today I am being featured in a series at Dad of Divas called Dad's in the Limelight. I really don't think I am in the limelight, but Chris was nice enough to include me in his series anyway. Go see the post featuring me HERE, and be sure to check out the rest of Chris' site while you are there.

I promise that I will still be posting here in the future.  I am not becoming a blogging nomad. Nor am I starting a career as a writing mercenary.

Thanks for checking out my guest posting opportunities. See you back here real soon.