Tools of Fatherhood

During all this talk about twins and girls and getting ready for that ship to land, I am still practicing the art of fatherhood for one supremely awesome little boy. Braden is never outshone by the preparation and nail biting that accompany a twin pregnancy. In fact he probably couldn't be outshone by the sun if it took up residence in our living room.

This morning at 3:30 am he reminded us of our duties when he woke up crying. When I went to ask him what he wanted Braden replied, "I want sleep Daddy's bed." On a side note Braden thinks the couch is my bed. Not because I am frequently in the doghouse, but because that is where he gets to sleep with me on those particularly difficult nights.

This time I told him no to Daddy's bed. Then I rubbed his back until he went back to sleep. Thankfully that only took a few minutes. Because any more difficulties would have required me to call in the big guns. At our house we call her Mom.

Arica can get Braden to do most anything. She has her bluff in on him. She threatens and he moves. She can threaten time outs, naps, taking away toys, turning off the TV, and other things. Even when those threats are met with the utmost dissension, she eventually wins out. Of course it is not always threatening that works. Many times it is a simple explanation that gets Braden's approval. Other times it is redirecting his attention to something else. Arica is a master of all these techniques.

On the other hand I am a master of none. My threats carry the weight of a feather. Even when I carry them through I can't get the desired result. Braden has actually started to respond to me a little better. Sometimes he knows I mean business. But most of the time he either carries on like I'm not there or he digs in and argues ferociously. If you've never seen a 2 year old argue with a 33 year old then consider yourself lucky. It is not a pretty sight.

During these most difficult of times I do have one weapon. When Braden is being difficult for some reason Arica can go to her bag of tricks for reason, punishment, or distraction. I am not so lucky. In my tool box there is but one tool for sticky situations. When the going gets tough, you know what I do?

I tickle.

This is certainly not award winning parenting, but you do what you have to do. I can't succeed at any of the typically prescribed disciplinary methods, but man can I tickle a frown away. It's fun for now, but I better get some chops before Braden reaches high school. I can't see tickling as a proper method for handling any of those teenage problems.

The Invisible Disciplinarian

I really had no idea what I was getting into nearly two years ago when Braden was born. I had no idea how to feed a baby. I had never changed a diaper. I didn't have the first idea how to get a baby to sleep through the night. It was all foreign ground to me. My "Life as a New Dad" would be a trial by fire, and I think this blog has always shown that to be true.

Lately I have been especially overwhelmed by love and amazement for our little man Braden. The teachers at his school/daycare are always singing his praises. He is the only kid in his class that feeds himself. He is actually helping teach the other kids to be more vocal because of how well he speaks and verbalizes his wants and needs.

He is the absolute light of our world. Even a moment away from him seems so much more dull and dreary.  Watching his growth has been amazing. Watching his mind decipher so many things is a wonder, but even amidst this amazing journey of love and rainbows I have developed a problem.

Braden doesn't listen to me at all.

I always thought my kids would listen to everything I said. My word would be like some sort of law from on high. No one would question my authority. I would have the final say. I guess I envisioned myself as some sort of disciplinarian.

I have never been more incorrect about anything in my life.

Braden and I are the best of friends. We play from the moment I get home until bedtime every day. We play with his ever growing collection of cars and "Cars". We have Doc, Sally, Mater, Mack, Lightning McQueen, and Sheriff. We play baseball. We play basketball. We chase each other around the house tickling, wrestling, and acting just plain silly.

When it comes time for discipline, however, I might as well be a stranger at the mall. Braden will look at me for a second and then continue on doing exactly what I forbid. It happens pretty much every time.

When Arica speaks, Braden listens. She uses the timeout technique to perfection to keep Braden in line. He rarely disobeys her.

So here I am the parent that is taken lightly. I never would have guessed that. I know I have to start being more consistent with timeouts. I have also learned from Arica that I need to work on my tone of voice and my general attitude towards disciplining Braden. My methods aren't conducive to teaching and mostly just challenge Braden and irritate him.

To say that my son is independent and a little stubborn is like saying The Empire State Building is tall. The way I approach him often stirs his need to resist and maintain his independence. In order to fix this problem I have to change my methods. I must work much harder to find ways to get through to Braden.

This has been bothering me a lot lately. Thank the good Lord I have Arica to help me figure this all out. Otherwise I would be fighting tooth and nail with Braden for another 16 years.

Well, I'm sure we'll still fight our fair share, but at least with Arica's help I might win a few here and there.

Go Daddy

Braden knows right from wrong. There is no confusion about what his parents will allow and what we won't. It's obvious when Braden, doing something wrong, stares at me or Arica to see if we are watching. Sometimes he even smiles that sly grin knowing that we are about to make our move to interrupt his fun. That's all part of normal development. He is trying to determine his boundaries, and in some cases stretch them as far as he can.

Braden even knows what things are more likely to elicit a response from me rather than Arica and vice versa. Recently he has started using this information to try and improve his chances of getting away with things. Mostly he uses this new technique to look at things or get into cabinets and drawers. He likes to play with our PS3 and Wii game cases and discs. I let him play with the old ones but not the new ones. They are too expensive for toddler inspection.

So how does my son deal with this problem? He throws me out of the room.

When Braden wants to look at the games he tells me to "GO!" If I don't go then he will physically push me out of the room. Sometimes he even pushes me two rooms over and around the corner to make sure I can't see him. While he walks back to the location of his planned hijinks he watches me the entire time. If I take a step towards him Braden will point at me with his little finger and repeat his demands of "GO!"

While Braden can easily determine right from wrong, we need to work on his understanding of when these rules apply. That is a worry for the future though. For now I just admire his creativity.

Telling Your Toddler No

I have been struggling with an area of parenting lately. It has really come to the forefront since Braden started walking in September.  As you can see it has taken me a while to get a grip on the situation.

As parents we always have to make disciplinary decisions. This is not the most important thing in the life of a toddler, but the discipline scale  grows exponentially over the years. A newborn needs zero discipline. A high school student needs a lot.  So where does a 15 month old toddler fit on this scale.

Since Braden started walking he has been into everything.  I was constantly following him around saying no, no, no, no.  At first this seemed like the right thing to do.  He is a smart kid. He will learn what no means and stop doing these things.

WRONG!

Yes he is still clearly smart. Yes he knows what no means. It is actually one of is favorite words. He is constantly telling me no while vigorously shaking his head. Still my word is not the absolute law of the house in his mind like I expected it to be.

As time went by it was lovingly pointed out to me by my wife that I was saying no a lot.  I was determined for Braden to mind so I just kept on with the nightly parade of negatives even after the warning. When I said no he would learn that it meant no.  He would stay out of our things and be a good boy.

Braden continued to ignore my suggestions fairly regularly. I found myself burdened by the worry about his behavior.  Would he mind in the future? Am I raising him right? If I give in will I be spoiling him?

Then I noticed that Braden listened to Arica better than he did me.  She says no too, but she has a different way about it.  She also spends a lot of time each day encouraging the little man rather than constantly hounding him. Braden probably feels more comfortable with her rather than his ever annoying No No Daddy.

As I watched Braden play Saturday night something that Arica had been trying to get through to me finally clicked.  I am spending way too much time trying to boss Braden around, and not nearly enough time having fun with my son.

Braden is just a toddler, and he is always a good boy. He doesn't need to have a drill sergeant to keep him in line. He is still exploring the world and learning at an incredible rate.  If he kept his hands off everything like I wanted he wouldn't ever learn much.  After all what does it hurt if he plays with a few things as long as they aren't dangerous.

Since then we have had as much fun as possible. I know Arica and I will both need our disciplinarian hats in the future. To tell the truth we still need them every day. There are certain things that are off limits.  Unsafe or irreplaceable things should be off limits, but Braden should not be denied his right to curiously explore the world just because his Dad wants to be boss.

Sorry Braden. I promise to lighten up and have more fun from now on. I don't want to miss any more of these amazing toddler times being the No No Guy. Love Daddy.